We have learned that a controlling partner chooses the way that s/he behaves. But, when a partner becomes abusive, most victims question themselves. They ask, “What’s my part in this relationship? Don’t I bear some responsibility for the way things are?”

These questions are valid. However, most victims rephrase the question. Many ask, “Isn’t it my fault?” This is the trap of self-blame. Victims blame themselves for everything that goes wrong. They feel that they cause what goes wrong, so they can fix the problem.

First, let’s consider what it means to be responsible. Every person chooses how s/he behaves. S/he is responsible for the way s/he conducts her/his own life. In addition, many women also take on the responsibility of caring for children, sick family, and elders. Our culture casts women as nurturers and because we are socialized as caretakers, this seems to be an admirable thing to do.

There is a big difference between being responsible for conduct and being responsible for care. Every woman, just as every man, in a relationship has a responsibility to care for their partner. But, that responsibility to care for another person does not make you responsible for that person’s conduct.

Despite the fact that every adult is responsible only for his or her own conduct, many victims in controlling relationships hold themselves responsible for what their partner does. Many victims mistake the responsibility they feel to care for the partner as a responsibility for his/her behavior. Victims often find themselves asking, “Do I make him/her behave this way?” The correct answer is “NO”.

Most victims believe that they could have prevented an abusive incident by behaving differently. Victims also believe that they can prevent future incidents by changing whatever they did to set their partner off last time. Think of all the if only’s you have probably said. Most often, victims get these ideas from the controlling partner him/herself. Controllers usually blame their bad behavior on you, they very person who suffers from it the most. “You should have known to stop griping at me.” This way of thinking blames the victim for the abusive conduct of the controlling partner. It suggests that you are the reason for the abuse and this is simply not true. There is always something is not going to be good enough for the controlling partner. Abusive partners must keep control, so sooner or later s/he will find a “reason” to exercise his/her power over you.

Some victims say that they feel the tension rising in their partner. They know s/he is going to explode and they can’t stand tiptoeing around. They push his/her buttons to get the explosion over with in hopes that s/he will return to the honeymoon phase and become easier to get along with. In that way, you can control the timing of the abuse, but it would have happened anyway eventually.

Whether a victim pushes her/his partner's buttons or not, controllers often accuse their victims of provoking the incident. This is ridiculous. Does it make sense that a person who can’t get their partner to help with the dishes, cut down on their drinking, or look after the kids, no matter how hard they try, can make their partner beat them simply by looking at him/her the wrong way? In fact, what a victim does or does not do is never the real issue. Any time a victim “provokes” his/her partner, that partner can choose not to respond abusively.

When people have a healthy sense of responsibility to ourselves and others, we all benefit. That is the glue that holds relationships and society together. The controller blames everything on his/her partner. This combined with her over-trained sense of responsibility, and reinforced by societal expectations of women to take on the job of keeping relationships together, can glue victims into an abusive relationship. Victims stay in the relationship thinking that if only they can change, the relationship will get better.